Inclusion Conversations Over the Holidays, Made Easier
Nearly half of all Americans avoid politics at the holiday dinner party (Harris Poll). Many dodge the conversation if it does come up, or power through. It doesn’t have to be so hard to talk about human issues and approach conversations about diversity and inclusion with our families, friends, and communities.
Yes, tis the season. Many of us will collectively sit at a dinner table and have a sparkling conversation filled with gratitude. Or, perhaps your dinner table is not so picture perfect (and no one’s is) and people say things that might be uncomfortable or moderately offensive.
You are not alone.
Meet People Where They are at
Everyone has a different set of lived experiences and different perspectives as a result. It’s unfair to judge someone based on one comment that they may have been repeating (and have been led to believe is acceptable) since their childhood. A lot of our biases and beliefs are very well baked in our childhood. It doesn’t mean that people can’t change or open up to new perspectives as they grow older, it simply means that it might be a little harder for a brain to rewrite those hard-wired scripts as we age.
People are a product of their lived experiences. For generations that grew up experiencing desegregation and the feminist and civil rights movements, things may seem to be much better than they were 50 years ago. They also may hold some deeply racist, homophobic, and sexist beliefs as a result of growing up in a culture that reinforced these beliefs in media, politics, and virtually every where you look. That doesn’t mean we cannot call on folks to be better. It is important to understand that most people believe themselves to be good, well-intentioned people.
Two things to keep in mind when stepping into a hard conversation about diversity and inclusion. First, assume mostly positive intentions. Of course if something is egregiously racist, sexist, or homophobic that’s a completely different story. Starting off by assuming a person is coming from a good place can help to meet them where they’re at. Secondly, try to take a deep breath. It’s really easy to have a knee jerk reaction and blurt out a reaction that might veer the conversation off track, or end the conversation outright. If people go low, try to go high. Pointing fingers and going down a shame spiral is only going to guarantee a heated debate.
Call People In
Practicing mindfulness in these situations can be an excellent tool. Rather than call someone out and shame them publicly in front of your entire group, think about the treatment you would want if you were in a similar situation and said something you might later regret. Loretta J. Ross’ Ted Talk “Don’t Call People Out – Call Them In” explains the harmful effects of calling people out. Pointing out people’s flaws and mistakes in a public situation can be damaging to the ego. Practice mindfulness to take a pause and better understand what approach might be helpful in the situation versus perhaps the emotionally-charged approach you would prefer to take in that moment. You can read my full guide on calling people in here.
One good way to take an intentional pause and avoid that knee-jerk, emotional reaction is to interject with a simple ask for clarification. You might ask, “what did you mean when you said that?” or say “help me understand what you mean”, to help buy time for your emotions to regulate and for you to think through your call in response.
Another tactic to call people in is to isolate and create a distinction between the behavior and the person to protect their ego and avoid labeling someone as a bad person – just the behavior is bad. One way to practice this is to use the Situation Behavior Impact (SBI) model. This model leads a person through providing feedback in a way that makes it less personal, ultimately helping the receiver be less defensive. The Center For Creative Leadership simply summarizes this process in the following 3 steps:
- Capture and clarify the Situation
- Describe the specific Behaviors observed
- Explain the Impact that the person’s behavior had on you
The SBI Model is often used in feedback conversations following an incident, but in the moment you might practice this by playing back what you heard and letting the offender know that you know they are a good person and indicate the impact that their behavior or comments had on you.
Ask Curious Questions
Adam Grant, author of Think Again, shares some terrific thought provoking questions to help someone reframe their perspective, or be open to a hearing other’s perspectives. Very rarely does spouting off facts and figures change someone’s beliefs. Even worse, shaming will likely not result in behavior change or openness to new ideas, it may further entrench them in their own. Instead, ask “what information would you need to think about this differently?” Or, ask for permission, “if I were to offer a different perspective, would you be open to hearing that?” Or, one of my personal faves, “I used to think the same thing (has to be authentic), and now I look at it differently because…”
What’s next
Want to do better as an ally for inclusion, but not sure where to start? That is why we developed the Lead Like an Ally virtual self-paced training program, perfect for people or organizations looking for tools to understand and increase inclusive behavior.